From 1-2, we were given time to write a poem in response to one of our four prompts. I put my headphones on, Lou Reed streaming through them, and hoped that I'd be able to create something "worthwhile" in the hour time span. I started a poem about stretch marks, time, and experience. After six lines, I then saved the document and moved on to something else. I wanted to write the poem in response to "I lift heavy things" and I wanted the piece to discuss emotional things that we lift up and down. I didn't get past brainstorming. I finally got some momentum when I got my "inspiration": cocoa butter!
Here is draft #1:
As you can see, I started a pattern of having a main noun as the first line of each stanza. Then, I described the noun and how it connected to cocoa butter. This got gimmicky very quickly and I felt frustrated.
I then decided to change the set up of the piece and wrote draft #2:
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The draft "#2" that is above is actually draft #3. The document above already has changes within it from the afternoon session with the group. I had lines about "relentless sun" and "absence of rain." By mentioning the sun, there is no need to mention "absence of rain;" it is a redundant phrase. I also had some wordiness in the lines about reggae music. My workshop group helped me condense those lines and make them tighter. I still feel the need to work on this piece. That's the amazing thing about poetry. You could have a small 15 line poem and constantly be working on adding a single word or removing a single word. Revision is very strategic. For most readers, this poem may be "fine" as it is. I want to make some of the images more concrete (leftover brainswashing from Peter Murphy...lol). For instance, the lines that mention "gluttony" and "reckless living." What do those phrase exactly mean? Wouldn't it be better if I pinpointed those words instead of leaving them floating in the air of abstractness?
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